The trip and the return...

I've never been very good at flying. Number one, I get motion sick, and number two, I have airplane anxiety. I figured I was going to be sick on the flight North anyway, so I was extremely surprised when I actually felt almost normal - it's as if the two sicknesses counteracted each other. Sweet! I love flying with Arty, because he makes me less anxious, and I have someone to hold my hand and am able to rest my head on his shoulder, which makes it easier to sleep, which makes the flight seem faster.

When we landed and rented a car, it was raining. Arty was, by now, too used to driving on the flat surfaces of Florida, so I managed to drive in the North, which made both of us feel better. There's just something freeing about driving 60 mph up and down and around the curves of the mountains. We arrived at my Dad and Step-Mom's house very late. Everyone else was in bed, so we went to sleep in my childhood bedroom and had a pleasant reunion the next morning. I kept getting compliments on how good I looked, as if losing weight during pregnancy was a normal, good thing. My youngest step-sister had a friend come over and I noticed her whisper something. My step-sister said, "yeah, she is". I asked what they were talking about and she said "She doesn't believe me that you're pregnant." So I lifted my shirt and showed my belly - the first time I've EVER done that to anyone other than medical professionals and Arty.

I think the sickness and the diagnosis of Down Syndrome really frightened my family. They learned to keep the closest bathroom available, and heard them discussing their worry with Arty on more than one occasion. Every time I would come back into the room, they would pretend as though everything was normal. I know they didn't know what to say to me, and really, what could they say? I was tired of receiving the same cliches and platitudes, and silence was better than that any day. If I heard "God only gives 'those' babies to the parents He feels can handle 'them'..." I was going to scream.

All in all, I had a really nice time. I visited with Grandparents, Aunts, Uncles, Cousins and friends, in addition to Dad and the Steps. The Saturday before we were to head home, I woke up feeling worse than usual. We had plans to go to my other step-sister's house so that we could see her new house, and Arty could help her decide on a new laptop (as he works with computers and has an opinion about all of them.) After being sick several times, I told Arty I didn't think I was able to go. He was very sweet, but firmly told me we only had today left, and that we would go get my favorite breakfast (only available in the North) and that I would feel better afterward. So we went, and after I ate, I did feel better. We drove to my step-sister's house, and she started giving us the tour of her house. We walked through the kitchen, where my attention was caught by the fact that she had a basement (how I wish I could have one in FL...) and the next thing I know, we're walking into the dining room/family room and 15 people are yelling "surprise!"

I could not believe they were throwing me a surprise baby shower, nor could I believe that Arty had kept this secret from me!! After the initial shock, I thoroughly enjoyed the shower. We ate, played games and opened lots of presents. We had so many baby gifts that Arty and I had to buy boxes and ship them home, as we had no room left in our suitcases.

It was difficult to leave the North, as it always is for me, but even worse this time, because I knew I needed the support of these family member and friends. Upon my return home, I went back to work but was unable to stay a full 8 hours either day. The day finally arrived to meet with the general surgeon, and he was very nice. Unfortunately, the surgery was too risky at 28 weeks along that he recommended I just wait it out, then have my gall bladder out after the birth. I was disappointed, but I wasn't going to do anything to jeopardize my baby's life. Later that day I had another appointment with Dr. J. He decided I should be put on medical leave from work and be on bed rest for the duration of the pregnancy. I also needed another ultrasound to be done in 2 weeks to check on her growth, and to make sure that my losing weight wasn't affecting her negatively. At the end of the first week of December, I had now almost lost 40 lbs. I still didn't even look pregnant.

Getting used to what will be..

Somehow I completed the grieving process rather quickly. I went through denial, bargaining, anger and acceptance. I'm sure some people take longer, some shorter, but I came to feel that everything would be okay. So my daughter would have Down Syndrome - she would still be mine and Arty's. What else could I ask for? Plus, seeing her in ultrasound, I fell in love with her. She waved her hand at us, she showed us her foot (which was very much like her dad's). It felt as though she was telling us, "Hey, I'm in here, I'm okay. See you soon!"

I started receiving phone calls from members of our local support group. They were calling to offer any help, information, the chance to get to know their children, and an ear to listen, a shoulder to cry on. They dropped off a new parent package, which included a book, a few dvd's, a lot of informational packets and little odds and ends. I started reading the book right away. And not long after that, I stopped reading the book. I read as far as this sentence: "It is normal to wish your child will die." HUH?? I'm fighting for my child's life, not wishing she would die!

Apparently the book was originally written in the 1980's, then "updated" in the early 1990's. I'm not usually one to destroy books, but that was one book I was happy to throw out. There are a lot of things I want to do (if I ever have the time) and writing a new, up to date, SUPPORTIVE book about having a child with DS is at the top of my list.

In November of 2007, Dr. J decided he'd better check and make sure my gall bladder was okay. I was still being very sick everyday, and had lost 30 lbs so far. I went to get an ultrasound of my gall bladder, and Dr. J called me later that day to let me know that I had "numerous gall stones." He was shocked I wasn't having any pain along with the sickness. He recommended I meet with a general surgeon to see if removing my gall bladder during the pregnancy was an option. Unfortunately, Arty and I were flying North the next day to spend Thanksgiving with some of my family. I set up a consultation for 2 days after our return.