Saturday, September 12, 2009

SoBee's Arrival - part two

Once the needle is removed from my spine, I am invited to lay down on the operating table. My arms are spread out on either side of me and gently tied in place. I see a nurse at the edge of the table, and she looks at me, smiles and tells me she's just inserted my catheter. Whew! I didn't feel a thing, but then, I couldn't really feel anything below my arms. It's such a weird feeling, but oddly I wasn't panicking about that. Arty was finally brought in to be by my side. He was smiling, but I knew he was scared too - he was just putting on a brave face for me. The blue curtain went up just in front of my face, and I started to feel very nauseated. The nurse anesthetist was on the opposite side of me from Arty, so I turned to tell her I felt like I was going to throw up. She smiled and placed a small pink bowl beside my cheek just in time for me to go totally "Exorcist" and throw up half way across the room. I was so embarrassed! I apologized and she just smiled and told me not to worry- that happened all the time. (REALLY? All the time?? And all you gave me to puke into was this teeny little bowl?? Why wasn't there a kiddie swimming pool over there to catch all the puke if it happened all the time?) I heard Dr. J. chuckle on the other side of the curtain and he said, "Once more, just for old time's sake."

Feeling much better, I began to focus on what I was hearing and feeling. At first I felt nothing, and heard things such as "scalpel, suction, sponge" and one of the nurses was counting for some strange reason, but I heard no complete sentences. Next, I could feel that something was going on, but without pain and discomfort, it just felt as though someone was moving my belly from side to side, and the rest of my body was just sort of rocking along with the motion. Arty was playing with my hair and we kept telling each other we loved one another. After just a few minutes, Dr. J. says "She's out." And there was silence, no one spoke, but we could hear every nurse moving around.

Finally, a baby cried, sounding hoarse at first, then getting louder and stronger. I almost couldn't believe it - it was MY baby. Dr. J. held her up over the curtain and let us have a look. She was so small and very red, and covered in white icky stuff with a little bit of blood here and there. Ten fingers, ten toes, eyes and a nose - she looked perfect. I couldn't help but cry happy tears to see her alive and safe. I told her she was beautiful and that I loved her so much, and one of the nurses wrapped her in a blanket and carried her off. She told Arty to follow her, and he gave me a kiss, told me I did great and that he loved me, and he went off to stand guard over our daughter. I could hear them all over on the other side of the curtain, in the corner of the room. They put her on the scale and a nurse called out "Five pounds exactly". I was so relieved! I thought, at five pounds she may just be able to come home with me right away!

I heard the nurse tell Arty that he could take some pictures while they were running tests and cleaning her up and everything. After a few minutes, Arty came over to tell me they were taking SoBee to the regular nursery. She'd scored a 9 on her APGAR, and was breathing fine and did not need to go to the NICU. The nurse brought SoBee over to me so I could give her a kiss, and again I told her I loved her. Arty gave me another kiss and followed the nurse and SoBee out of the room. At that moment, I felt like I could relax. She was out of my traitor womb, and in the best hands of doctors and nurses, with Daddy by her side. Dr. J. had removed the placenta and was giving orders to nurses on things to hand to him. I called over the curtain, "Now would be the time to ask for a tummy tuck, right?" He laughed and said he'd do the best he could. I could still hear the one nurse counting, and by the time Dr. J. was finished closing me up, I realized she was counting sponges and instruments to make sure nothing was left inside me. Dr. J. came around to my side, told me everything went great and that he was very proud of me. He kissed me on the cheek and told me he'd be around to see me once they got me settled in my room. I thanked him for everything and most of all, for keeping his promise.

Thursday, July 16, 2009

SoBee's Arrival - part one

Upon our arrival at the hospital, we were ushered through the metal detectors and our bags were x-rayed- ok, they weren't but the security on the Mother and Baby floor of the hospital was TIGHT! Once I got checked in, de-robed, and into my gloriously hideous (oxymoron?) hospital gown, I was strapped in for a fetal non-stress test and the nurses tried to get my IV in. Yep, nurseS! I have a really good vein in the crook of my arm, but because this IV would be in for a few days, and I needed the use of my arm, they had to find another place for it. After 2 nurses painfully stabbed me twice in both hands unsuccessfully, they called one of the lab techs up to complete the job. It seriously took the lab tech a minute to put it in my forearm and get the IV going. Aaah. I was also very concerned that they were going to put in my urine catheter before I went to the OR, but the nurse assured me that they wait until the anesthesia kicks in before inserting the catheter. Whew. I was kind of more afraid of that than being cut open!

While waiting for an Operating Room to become available, I filled out forms (Arty was too nervous to write legibly), answered nurses' questions, met with both the nurse anesthetist and the anesthesiologist (who I believe was an octogenarian!) I was glad the nurse anesthetist would be with me the whole time, as she was my age, pregnant herself, and just super sweet. It was during this time that SoBee acquired hiccups in utero, and the NST went nuts for about 15 minutes. It was really cute to hear her hiccups, and it felt like she was giving me a sign that everything would be okay - that she was in there laughing about all the drama she's caused.

After being hooked up to the IV for an hour, I really had to pee, so I called in a nurse to unhook me from the NST, and I wheeled my IV stand as close to the bathroom as I could, but the stand didn't actually reach in there with me. While I was in there with the door open, my mom, step-dad and sister arrived just in time to watch me tinkle. It was a special time for all of us.

Finally, a nurse came in to say we'd be going to the ER in a few minutes, and she handed me a small bottle of antacid and told me I needed to drink the whole thing. I told her I didn't think it was a good idea - that it would make me throw up, especially since I hadn't had anything to eat or drink for 8 hours. She told me I had to drink it, and that it's to help make sure that I don't throw up. I was pretty sure I was going to be right, but I drank it anyway to get on our way to the OR. I got settled into my wheelchair, and was handed my hair cap. Arty was taken to another room to get into his scrubs while I was left sitting in front the doors to the OR. After 5 minutes, the nurse came back and wheeled me in by myself. She explained that only after I got the spinal anesthesia and was hooked up to the blood pressure monitor, etc, that he would be allowed to come in.

I'm told to get up on the table, and sit with my legs dangling over the side. One nurse comes up in front of me and tells me that I am to lean on her while the nurse anesthetist is behind me prepping my back for insertion of the spinal anesthesia. She tells me to relax and that she'll warn me before she inserts the needle into my spine. I'm very nervous at this point, not just because I'm going to have a needle inserted into my spine, but because I'm just so scared for my baby. There is nothing worse than being told that my placenta - something that is supposed to nourish and keep my baby growing and healthy- may actually be killing her. I start shaking from the fear that something will happen to her, and that I won't be able to do anything to help her. When I feel the first tear slide down my cheek, I hear the door to the OR open and the nurse calls out, "Hi Dr. J.!" Relief just washed over me, because I'd subconsciously had the fear that something would happen that Dr. J. couldn't be there on time and one of his partners would end up delivering SoBee. I heard his quiet voice say to the nurse, "I'll take it from here," and he traded places with her and was now the person I was leaning on. He grabbed both of my hands and told me everything was going to be all right, that he wouldn't let anything happen to either me or SoBee. We were in this together. By the time the nurse anesthetist inserted the needle into my spine, I had stopped shaking.

Monday, July 6, 2009

I thought I had another week!

On February 6th, I found myself in Dr. K's office, assuming the position for yet another ultrasound. Arty and Mom were sitting on stools to the left of me, and the UT was on my right and getting very good pictures of SoBee, and taking tons of measurements. She excuses herself to go discuss everything with Dr. K (who has been watching everything on a screen in his office.) When they returned, I knew something was up. The good news, he told us, is that she doesn't appear to have a common infant with DS condition in which there is a blockage in the intestine. (This condition requires immediate specialist surgery on the baby, so we would have had to change our birthing hospital to a hospital 45 miles away.) So we dodged a bullet there.

However, her estimated weight at 4.4 lbs was still not satisfactory, so he is pretty certain at this stage that the placenta is not doing it's job, and is likely to be killing my baby. He stated that he has already spoken to Dr. J. over the phone, and that they both feel it is best for the baby to deliver TODAY. I, of course, was crying, but not hysterical. I was already extremely nervous about being induced, and going through labor and the birth - and I'd just been told I wouldn't have the extra week I was counting on to be prepared. (Sure, I'd attended the birthing classes, watched the mandatory epidural video and packed my bag, but I needed that extra week to MENTALLY prepare!)

It turned out that I wouldn't have to worry about induction, or labor either. Dr. K. went on to explain that, although SoBee had been head down and in correct birthing position a month ago, she was no longer head down. She was breech. I immediately started cursing that buzzer Dr. J. used to wake her up - I know that's what did it!

I was to go home and rest, and Dr. J. would call me to let me know what time to arrive at the hospital for my urgent Caesarean Section. I was to not eat or drink anything else for the rest of the day. On the way home, Arty and I were in stunned silence. Mom was following us to our house - I think she was too scared to leave me, for fear something would happen to me and/or the baby. Once home, Arty called his mother in England on the home phone. Mom used her cell phone to call my sister, aunts, and grandmother. On my cell phone I called my Dad and Step-Mom, left a message for my best friend, and sent an email to everyone else to let them know what was happening. By the time Dr. J. called, everyone I know knew that I was going to have a baby that day.

At 6:30 p.m., the car was loaded with more things than I would ever need, including my favorite pillow. Mom had gone home to shower and change and was to meet us at the hospital at 7:15. Arty and I stood in SoBee's bedroom, which had been painted a sweet yellow (with love by her Grandmomma, Aunt, and Great Aunt) and looked around at the Winnie the Pooh border and adhesive art. I pictured myself sitting in the rocking chair while our baby breastfed and Daddy looked on in amazement. I had positive thoughts about what was going to take place this evening, but there was something I needed to tell Arty first.

As we held hands in our daughter's bedroom, I said, "No matter what happens to me, I want you to promise me you'll be with SoBee from the moment they take her out of my belly and that you will not leave her until I can be with her. She needs to hear your voice and establish a bond with you." He promised me he would. I finished with "And if something happens where you need to decide which one of us lives and which one of us dies... SoBee lives." As hard as I know it was for him, he promised.

It's all okay!

With my heart in my throat and feeling like I'm going to faint, I share a very nervous glance with Arty. After 30 more seconds of silence, Dr. J. exhales with relief and said "Ok, there she goes." You see, SoBee has a way of snuggling up to the placenta in a way that hides her heart. When she is sleeping in there, she becomes VERY still and forgets to practice her breathing. So, without any movement, no breathing, and unable to see her heart beating, Dr. Jamison thought the worst had happened.

After our little scare (we were ALL relieved!), Dr. J. gave me instructions to eat every possible sugary thing I could on the drive to my next appointment at the end of the week. In hindsight, I have no idea why I was expecting I could keep such things down. So, when I showed up to the next appointment, I was weak and dizzy from having just regurgitated 2 fun-size snickers, 2 wild cherry capri sun drink pouches, and a banana popsicle. Arty was also feeling dizzy from having just witnessed that happening in the car - into a clear plastic ziplock bag. Luckily, the heaving made the baby very active, so we had no trouble with our next NST.

Our first ultrasound in January was bittersweet. We got to see a lot of pictures of her, and she was pretty active, so we were happy she was cooperating. Also, it looked like the holes in her heart were getting smaller, and no longer seemed to pose the threat of needing immediate heart surgery after birth. However, Dr. K. became concerned with the fact that she was measuring at about 3.8 lbs. (The estimated weight can be off by a pound either way.) He was concerned that the placenta may be aging prematurely, therefore inhibiting her intake of everything she needs to grow.

At this point, I'm just exhausted with the constant worry. It seems that every time we get good news, bad news follows soon after. I never knew it could be so difficult to carry a child, and I felt like I was doing a very poor job of keeping my baby safe and healthy. On days I didn't have any appointments, I would just stay in bed, or on the couch all day long. I felt sort of withdrawn and very anxious when I had to go anywhere alone. Arty was already driving me pretty much anywhere, but if I had to go to the store for anything, I feared something would happen to the baby.

The next several appointments went by without too much excitement. Dr. J. informed me that it was time we scheduled an induction for the month of February, because he wanted to induce labor at 37 weeks. When carrying a child with DS, there is a greater risk of stillbirth the closer you get to 40 weeks. So we set a date - February 14th. It seems I would have a Valentine's Baby. I couldn't think of a better gift of love and devotion.

Tuesday, March 17, 2009

Getting close !

All throughout December I spent most of my time in bed. Sweet Pea was my constant comfort, always snuggling right up to me. One day I was sitting up in bed, and she had her paw resting lightly on my belly and the baby kicked! She looked down at my belly (never moved her paw) and cocked her head to the side and just stared for about a minute. Then she looked up at my face and started wagging her tail. (She has the sweetest, waggliest tail.) She had many special bonding moments like that, with SoBee in utero.

Arty bonded as well. He read Winnie the Pooh books to her at night. When we snuggle up together at night, he tends to fall asleep facing me, then rolls over away from me. Then I snuggle up to his back, and SoBee would kick him all night long. She moved a lot at night, and during the day was usually pretty quiet and calm. I could feel her move about twice an hour, but she saved her acrobatics for when I lay down to sleep.

It was during December that my mother-in-law decided to come for a 2 week visit to "help out." She lives in England so she doesn't visit but once or twice a year, but that is usually more than enough. While I won't go into enormous detail, she did not help at all, except to keep her bathroom and bedroom tidy during her stay. She expected Arty and me to wait on her hand and foot. Feeling as I was, I did NOT enjoy her company.

At this time the only thing I felt like eating, and could usually keep down, was mashed potatoes, gravy and biscuits from KFC. Arty really got tired of eating there, but he always made sure I had plenty on hand. He's so sweet and good to me.

At the end of December, Dr. J. and Dr. K. conferred and decided I should get ultrasounds every other week with Dr. K, and twice weekly visits with Dr. J. At the first, they would perform and NST (Fetal Non-Stress Test) which monitors the baby's heart rate and also indicates if any contractions are coming on. (I hadn't felt anything like what people were telling me contractions felt like.) At the second, they would perform a BPP (Biophysical profile) which measures baby size and amount of amniotic fluid. They were concerned with the weight of the baby - estimated (by ultrasound) to be 3.8 lbs at 32 weeks.

SoBee's heartrate was always lower than they prefered (because she was not very active during the day and usually sleeping when we got the NST's done.) The nurse would bring me a sugary popsicle and ice cold water to try to wake her up and be more active. They would push down on my belly to try to jostle her awake. At the end of every visit, we got the okay though. One day, Dr. J. came in with something that looked like a small microphone. He said "We're going to try to buzz her awake." He put the buzzer on my belly, close to my pelvic bone, (because we had found out that SoBee was in the head down position - good news!) He pressed the button, and he definitely buzzed her awake. She was so startled that it felt and looked like she had actually sat straight up inside me (I was lying down, of course). Arty could not believe his eyes, for my belly being contorted such as it was kind of frightened him I think. I know it scared the heck out of me!

One day we went in for the NST (Arty always drove me and came into my appointments.) The nurse had a hard time getting the baby's heart rate. She called in for the other nurse, who was able to get it for a few seconds, but couldn't keep it on the monitor. After about a half hour, they went to get Dr. J. He came in and decided to just do a biophysical profile, since it is, essentially, an ultrasound. He put the blue jelly on my belly and moved the wand around. We were all looking at the screen and could see the baby there. After about 5 minutes of manipulating the wand, Dr. J. sighed. "I think we have a problem."

Wednesday, February 25, 2009

The trip and the return...

I've never been very good at flying. Number one, I get motion sick, and number two, I have airplane anxiety. I figured I was going to be sick on the flight North anyway, so I was extremely surprised when I actually felt almost normal - it's as if the two sicknesses counteracted each other. Sweet! I love flying with Arty, because he makes me less anxious, and I have someone to hold my hand and am able to rest my head on his shoulder, which makes it easier to sleep, which makes the flight seem faster.

When we landed and rented a car, it was raining. Arty was, by now, too used to driving on the flat surfaces of Florida, so I managed to drive in the North, which made both of us feel better. There's just something freeing about driving 60 mph up and down and around the curves of the mountains. We arrived at my Dad and Step-Mom's house very late. Everyone else was in bed, so we went to sleep in my childhood bedroom and had a pleasant reunion the next morning. I kept getting compliments on how good I looked, as if losing weight during pregnancy was a normal, good thing. My youngest step-sister had a friend come over and I noticed her whisper something. My step-sister said, "yeah, she is". I asked what they were talking about and she said "She doesn't believe me that you're pregnant." So I lifted my shirt and showed my belly - the first time I've EVER done that to anyone other than medical professionals and Arty.

I think the sickness and the diagnosis of Down Syndrome really frightened my family. They learned to keep the closest bathroom available, and heard them discussing their worry with Arty on more than one occasion. Every time I would come back into the room, they would pretend as though everything was normal. I know they didn't know what to say to me, and really, what could they say? I was tired of receiving the same cliches and platitudes, and silence was better than that any day. If I heard "God only gives 'those' babies to the parents He feels can handle 'them'..." I was going to scream.

All in all, I had a really nice time. I visited with Grandparents, Aunts, Uncles, Cousins and friends, in addition to Dad and the Steps. The Saturday before we were to head home, I woke up feeling worse than usual. We had plans to go to my other step-sister's house so that we could see her new house, and Arty could help her decide on a new laptop (as he works with computers and has an opinion about all of them.) After being sick several times, I told Arty I didn't think I was able to go. He was very sweet, but firmly told me we only had today left, and that we would go get my favorite breakfast (only available in the North) and that I would feel better afterward. So we went, and after I ate, I did feel better. We drove to my step-sister's house, and she started giving us the tour of her house. We walked through the kitchen, where my attention was caught by the fact that she had a basement (how I wish I could have one in FL...) and the next thing I know, we're walking into the dining room/family room and 15 people are yelling "surprise!"

I could not believe they were throwing me a surprise baby shower, nor could I believe that Arty had kept this secret from me!! After the initial shock, I thoroughly enjoyed the shower. We ate, played games and opened lots of presents. We had so many baby gifts that Arty and I had to buy boxes and ship them home, as we had no room left in our suitcases.

It was difficult to leave the North, as it always is for me, but even worse this time, because I knew I needed the support of these family member and friends. Upon my return home, I went back to work but was unable to stay a full 8 hours either day. The day finally arrived to meet with the general surgeon, and he was very nice. Unfortunately, the surgery was too risky at 28 weeks along that he recommended I just wait it out, then have my gall bladder out after the birth. I was disappointed, but I wasn't going to do anything to jeopardize my baby's life. Later that day I had another appointment with Dr. J. He decided I should be put on medical leave from work and be on bed rest for the duration of the pregnancy. I also needed another ultrasound to be done in 2 weeks to check on her growth, and to make sure that my losing weight wasn't affecting her negatively. At the end of the first week of December, I had now almost lost 40 lbs. I still didn't even look pregnant.

Monday, February 23, 2009

Getting used to what will be..

Somehow I completed the grieving process rather quickly. I went through denial, bargaining, anger and acceptance. I'm sure some people take longer, some shorter, but I came to feel that everything would be okay. So my daughter would have Down Syndrome - she would still be mine and Arty's. What else could I ask for? Plus, seeing her in ultrasound, I fell in love with her. She waved her hand at us, she showed us her foot (which was very much like her dad's). It felt as though she was telling us, "Hey, I'm in here, I'm okay. See you soon!"

I started receiving phone calls from members of our local support group. They were calling to offer any help, information, the chance to get to know their children, and an ear to listen, a shoulder to cry on. They dropped off a new parent package, which included a book, a few dvd's, a lot of informational packets and little odds and ends. I started reading the book right away. And not long after that, I stopped reading the book. I read as far as this sentence: "It is normal to wish your child will die." HUH?? I'm fighting for my child's life, not wishing she would die!

Apparently the book was originally written in the 1980's, then "updated" in the early 1990's. I'm not usually one to destroy books, but that was one book I was happy to throw out. There are a lot of things I want to do (if I ever have the time) and writing a new, up to date, SUPPORTIVE book about having a child with DS is at the top of my list.

In November of 2007, Dr. J decided he'd better check and make sure my gall bladder was okay. I was still being very sick everyday, and had lost 30 lbs so far. I went to get an ultrasound of my gall bladder, and Dr. J called me later that day to let me know that I had "numerous gall stones." He was shocked I wasn't having any pain along with the sickness. He recommended I meet with a general surgeon to see if removing my gall bladder during the pregnancy was an option. Unfortunately, Arty and I were flying North the next day to spend Thanksgiving with some of my family. I set up a consultation for 2 days after our return.